The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need to sanitize my soul.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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