I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
