woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
