he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
