so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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