Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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