I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
