Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
