summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
