You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
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I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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