Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Randomize
