I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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