did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
