I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
