My Higher Power is John Stamos
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
