Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
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The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In other news, I just burned my penis
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He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you