I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.