can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?