Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE