i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
