How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The uberlube is also flammable
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
