I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
