You're so nebulous sometimes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
