Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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