Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
