You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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