dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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