I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
