Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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