my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
