Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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