party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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