Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
