i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
