I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
