I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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