My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
