I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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