U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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