fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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