So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
