i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
