he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
