now i know why i became what i already was.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
