I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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