my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
