i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
