I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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