I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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