Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
