I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
