I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
