I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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