OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
