Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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