I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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