there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
