i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
