My underwear smells like fireworks.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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